The power of the P.U.S.S.Y

In life things must change. You can’t go through life with the same things. In these times that people die of just about anything, folks have probably already started dying off from no-change.

For real. A bus conductor hits his passenger up side the head for giving a thousand naira and asking for nine-forty change. Passenger winds up dead at his bus stop. All cos there was no change. Talk about last bus stop.

OK, that was a weird digression.
But you get it that I meant change as in phases. You didn’t? Man! You need to change. Change is inevitable.

Back to what i was saying, life itself changes. So I’ve decided that in the new year i will be getting a new pussy. I kicked the old one out a long time ago. Too bossy. She always forgets that I’m the man of the house.
I made up my mind on what kind i wanted but fully aware that all pussies are more or less the same but the slight variations are worth the trouble, i set out in search of one.
Walked into a supermarket just to feed my eyes with what’s new in  stock and as i set out to leave I caught her behind the glass, just staring at me. She wasn’t exactly striking at first but hey, you know what they say about a new pussy. I was gonna talk with her there and then but folks were all over the place. I had one more stop to make as i had earlier promised to stop by a friend’s, so i made arrangements for her to be at my place by 4pm. I got home at three. You know the feeling you get when you’re expecting a new pussy. The anxiety, the urge to put things in order. House gotta be clean. They like it spic and span. If it’s untidy they don’t come again another day. I spent a good hour making my place cozy and contemplating her preferred spots.
Then came the knock on the door. One last look around the living room and satisfied that all was cool, I opened the door. There, wrapped in pink silk resting in a basket was my….
“A puppy. I didn’t ask for a puppy! I didn’t pay for a puppy. Where’s my pussy??”

“Sorry sir, it must’ve been a mistake.”

The delivery guy turned to go get  the correct package. And i just stood there staring at the inscription at the back of his jacket ‘Era Supermarket’. What era are these people living in. Clearly, their customer service is archaic. They had better get me my pussy. I don’t want stories.

No way I’ll go through all this stress for a puppy. Pussy, yes, but not a puppy.

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Food we should’ve ate!

It was a public holiday and a time out with the guys was sorta appropriate. We were gonna play soccer on PS3 and separated ourselves into an away and a home side. The game was to begin at exactly thirty minutes from then and we had enough time to brag about how one side would beat the other mercilessly even with one hand on the pad. The chef amongst us was doing his thing and we couldn’t wait to have a taste of what was cooking. The bragging continued helped by the beer until the meal came.
It was in a single, huge casserole bowl with several spoons, one for each guy. The general idea was to create a stronger bond amongst us but the truth was we all silently agreed that we wanted the number of dirty dishes to lowest possible number. The steam rising from the food was heavy enough to succumb to gravity.
Each guy grabbed a spoon and the digging began. As we dug and shoved we talked and talked and talked. Then the inevitable happened; some rice was catapulted from the mouth of one of the guys and into the food, our food. I was sure that two people saw it; myself and the guy to my left. But after the guy on my right dropped his spoon and found a silly excuse to stop eating i knew he had seen it too. Then the guy on the left did the same thing. Now me, trying to be nice, attempted one more spoon before I quit but i took my time with this, laughing abit longer than i should have and trying to replay the scenario so I could get a picture of where the half chewed food fell. I realized i had no way of knowing and so i didn’t need to trouble myself much,  i just dropped my spoon and leaned back.
I remembered the case of the spittle that stuck to my nose and got half pissed cos the food was delicious.

We did go ahead with the game and we did win. Though all i did was support the winning side. It was a fun day but I kept thinking about the food that we should’ve ate.

Tea shop?

Welcome to E.V.P.P’s Golden Booth where you can make your local calls and also charge your dying phone battery. And then they suddenly sell Tea, Bread, and Eggs. Maybe you can have these as you charge your phone battery. They then remember their line of business and go back to selling recharge cards(that’s credits/units so you can make calls as you have some tea and bread and eggs while charging your battery).
Then again at this booth you can have some Spaghetti.
They haven’t decided if they are a restaurant, Tea shop, or phone service place. But do come to E.V.P.P’s Golden Booth where you and your phone will be full.

Pre beatdown emotions.


Recall as kids, in naija of course, when we did something wrong or were made to believe we did something wrong and then mum or dad says “oya go inside” then you walk in front of them or behind them (walking behind was better as the tension was more when you walked in front) all the while trying to imagine how your ordeal would begin?
We used to try and envision the coming event. We often thought about what would happen first: Will i get my ear twisted first? Will I first receive a knock or two on the head? Will there first be one or a series of heavy abara (thumps) on my back? How will my pain session begin?

This period of anticipation helped to heighten the pressure of the little blood we had.
Indeed we knew that these regular beatings helped keep us in line and was ultimately good for us, but during this sessions we often wished we could hold the cane, whip, belt, wire or crowbar, whatever it was we were being moulded with and turn the punisher into the punished.
It was worse for some children. The ones who had to be attentive as the beating sessions took place. You know, some parents talk to their kids while beating them, even asking questions. And if you’re asked a question whilst being beaten and you don’t give a correct answer, well, your beaten just took a turn for the worst.

 

I only just remembered those times. There were times when we were like: I’m not going to cry. I’m just going to put my hand up, receive all the thrashing at once before I put my hand down. It didn’t always happen that way though. There were the kids who got their beatings on the butt, naked or otherwise. These ones too said to themselves just before the session began: I will just stand there and chest it till it finish. Usually though, the second or third stroke got both hands grabbing the butt unconsciously.

Those were the times.

And the spittle just stood there.

I was having a conversation with this elderly preacher. It was slightly heated and I was loving it. At a point he got off his seat to do abit of demonstration and as he blurted some words it happened.


I actually saw the spittle eject from his mouth. I saw the projectile. But I didn’t see it land. I did feel it on my nose. He saw it too. It was right there on my nose, he didn’t apologize or try to wipe it off. I on the other hand, didn’t want to be rude so I didn’t try to wipe it off as he watched me while still talking. I, with my peripheral vision could see the whitish glow on the right curve of my nose but I had to wait for the man to look away, even for a second. But he never did. Watching him closely I realised that he was very aware of the spittle but was probably ashamed or too proud to allow me relish a few seconds of satisfaction that an apology would provide. So there we were looking eye to eye and down at the little glow on my nose.
The conversation went on for another five minutes till I almost forgot about the spittle. Then his phone rang and as he excused himself my hand automatically went straight for that part of my face to rid it of whatever disgust have been deposited there but held back at the last second. I thought
what if he comes back and sees that its gone? He will surely carry on like nothing happened. But what if he comes back to find it still standing there?
I thought the look on his face would be interesting to watch. So I put my hand back down on my lap and waited for him to return, while of course, wiggling my nose.
Finally, he returned. And yes, the look on his face was priceless. It was a mix of WTF and OMG. And as for me, inside, I was ROTFL.
Yea, I know, I’m crazy like that.

Humans have lost it!

When you spend time on social media you realise that the earth has lost its earth-hood. We shouldn’t bother calling it earth anymore. Just the world would do. People have lost it, animals have lost it, even natural systems have lost it. But the people on this round floating object of ours are the main culprits. Many of us beings now act like something’s missing from our heads. Some essential part of common sense.

 


Like this couple. What the hell could his explanation be? She has an itch there??

 

 


And this fellow here, also shopping.  Looking like he just got through a surgery. Who let him in?

 

 

 


Yup, those are indeed sanitary pads.

 

 

 


Shawn the sheep here needed a stroll.

 

 

 


I dont know. I really do not know. And whatever is going on here, i probably do not need to know.

 

 

 


This woman should be given a medal for patriotism. Then she should be locked up for treason or something.

 

 

 

Moving on…

 

 

 

Yea, strike the perfect pose. On the shelf. I’m waiting to see this at Shoprite soon.

 

 

This guy here just redefined flashy. The villagers must admit that he has arrived.

 

 

 

This kid’s gonna playfully kill herself. Mum hasn’t seen this in the movies? Somebody call child services.

 

 

 I dont know if this was photoshopped or the universe is really pissed. It should be.

 

 

This picture taken in 1937 shows a Baby placed in a cage outside the window of an apartment, why? to ensure it gets enough sunlight.

Yea, sunlight. Like they couldn’t go for a stroll or something. The effort put into making that suspended cage (which i think is a work of genius) could have made a fairly appropriate stroller. The parents are probably circus acts and were secretly getting the kid adapted to hieghts. Who knows.

And check this one out. One man refuses to perform a Nazi salute in 1936.

Amazing! I would’ve loved to shake his hand. But whatever became of him? As he showed his defiance in the midst of hundreds of people. He must have gone through a tough time after this.
He must’ve been really stubborn. His mum must’ve had a hard time with him. But look how he turned out. A true one man opposition party.

On the Titanic, the four smokestacks that have become so famous, and associated with the ship. But guess what? the fourth one didn’t even work!

It was totally just for decoration. Just a useless ad on, like Superman’s cape. Similar to the first arm of the Nigerian government.

 

And there’s Kittiwat Unarrom, an artist from Thailand, who creates loafs of bread in the form of various human body parts. Is this art? And how are we certain those are not actually human body parts? But what’s really weird is that people go out and buy these!

 

 

And this. This is a mix of genius. With a  dash of stupidity.

Make that two dashes of stupidity.

 

Then there’s this…

sigh*

The new year confusion

So our pastor, during the New Year service, said we should read a Bible passage and that anywhere we see a name or the words ‘thee’, ‘ye’, ‘thy’ and ‘thou’ we should replace it with ‘me’ or ‘i’ In other words, we should just personalize it.
The passage was in Isaiah 43:1. Its in the Old Testament. *wink*

But now thus saith the LORD that created the, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called you by thy name; thou art mine.

Now, how exactly does one personalize this passage without using our names? (which the pastor didn’t mention). I personally had a tough time with this. Oh, and the people around me just fumbled with the words. If not that i was in church i would have laughed my head off. Wait, i did laugh my head off, inside. It was a disaster, the whole place was in disarray.

I hope we don’t have confusion this year. Especially as it has started on this note. Happy New Year.