Food we should’ve ate!

It was a public holiday and a time out with the guys was sorta appropriate. We were gonna play soccer on PS3 and separated ourselves into an away and a home side. The game was to begin at exactly thirty minutes from then and we had enough time to brag about how one side would beat the other mercilessly even with one hand on the pad. The chef amongst us was doing his thing and we couldn’t wait to have a taste of what was cooking. The bragging continued helped by the beer until the meal came.
It was in a single, huge casserole bowl with several spoons, one for each guy. The general idea was to create a stronger bond amongst us but the truth was we all silently agreed that we wanted the number of dirty dishes to lowest possible number. The steam rising from the food was heavy enough to succumb to gravity.
Each guy grabbed a spoon and the digging began. As we dug and shoved we talked and talked and talked. Then the inevitable happened; some rice was catapulted from the mouth of one of the guys and into the food, our food. I was sure that two people saw it; myself and the guy to my left. But after the guy on my right dropped his spoon and found a silly excuse to stop eating i knew he had seen it too. Then the guy on the left did the same thing. Now me, trying to be nice, attempted one more spoon before I quit but i took my time with this, laughing abit longer than i should have and trying to replay the scenario so I could get a picture of where the half chewed food fell. I realized i had no way of knowing and so i didn’t need to trouble myself much,  i just dropped my spoon and leaned back.
I remembered the case of the spittle that stuck to my nose and got half pissed cos the food was delicious.

We did go ahead with the game and we did win. Though all i did was support the winning side. It was a fun day but I kept thinking about the food that we should’ve ate.

Close, isn’t it?

We all looked forward to that morning. We felt like chefs about to impress royalty. Until the task began.

image

This isn’t a pic from the Internet – –  though that will soon be the case – –  it is a documentation of an experience with the guys some weeks back. You see,  one of us thought it a good idea to make pancakes then proceeded to purchase two packs.  From the photo you will see that what we
ended up with are pan flakes. We took turns in frying them; there was the deep fried, the very little oil,  and the mostly carbon-flavored pancakes… I mean pan flakes.  I got the hang of it towards the end but the experience was nowhere near enough.

Or wait,  it’s close, isn’t it?

It’s not Semen

I love fruits. I love all fruits, even the ones that cause one to itch like pineapples do. I found a fruit shop sometimes around the period I lost my phone but didn’t have the time or energy to go be in fruit heaven. Then came today. The sun was up before I was which is quite rare. I started the day with Kong Fu Panda 2, had a good laugh whilst constantly being reminded of fruits and vegetables.  That was when my thoughts ran straight to the fruit shop. So out I went, not to the fruit shop, to the guy who’s fabricating some equipment for me, and then to my friend who sells weed. Not for his weed but for some script he was to help peruse. He’s a great critic when he’s high. And then I headed for the fruit shop. Let me point out that asides the shirt on the weed guy, the calendar on the wall by the side of the fabricator guy, there were several other places I saw pictures of fruits, so I thought to self that today was definitely my day.
I started with two servings. Two servings of everything they had. It was like I was fresh out the Garden of Eden.
After I had my fill, paid the bill and set out for some kick back time I noticed on more than five occasions people looking my way. What now, am I glowing from all that fruit? That would have been great but several other people later and having a chat with two guys on my next project, I saw it. These morons were all looking at the stain really close to my zipper. Must’ve been the pineapple but Lord I wanted to sink in the ground. I had been around town looking like semen was on my fly. Not sure how I went to the bathroom and not sure how I got back either but I do recall bringing up again and again how I loved the fruits i had earlier devoured but how pissed I am that some fruit juice stained my pants.

So if you saw me today walking around with a stain around there, it’s not semen.

God doesn’t like vegetables

I arrived at this conclusion because there is no place in the bible where the people offered sacrifices that were basically fruits and vegetables, nuts and grains. They only offered bulls, bullocks, Oxen, sheep etc.

And then when you read Genesis 4.. Let’s turn our bibles to the book of Genesis, shall we. Chapter 4. I’ll be reading from verse 3.

 

*Clears throat

3 And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord.
4 And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the Lord had respect unto Abel and to his offering:

See that?

5 But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect.

What did I tell you!

. ..And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.
6 And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?

Now I wonder why God even had to ask that, it was rather obvious wasn’t it? Anyway…

7 If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted?


Cain obviously displeased God by bringing him such low-Carb stuff. How can the almighty, the one with all this power, eat vegetables? He needs his meat! So you see, it does seem like God doesn’t like vegetables. What’s your take though?

Wait! No wonder he put Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

A Trip In All Its Colors

I was covering this removal service at a funeral home with dignitaries all around. Though there were tears flowing freely, i was concentrated on my work. I had to. I wasn’t  trying to, i was just not moved. As i filmed i recalled the numerous occassions i’ve been told that i have a strong heart, a heart of stone, though i don’t accept the latter. There were people there, i noticed, who were obviously exaggerating the anguish. I guess it happens in every funeral but I had never seen it before. We moved on from there to the church and more or less the same scenerios repeated themselves. At the court though, where the casket holding the deceased was draped in the nation’s colors (He was a prominent individual), there was this man who seemed scared of the camera. He threw occasional glances at me and then at the camera, acting like my camera was one of those with hidden firing devices. Too many movies i presumed, or maybe the gathering was just too eerie for him. Or maybe he was aware of all his wrongs. I learnt he is a senator. It ended well for all of us, no one got shot and we were set to go to the hometown of the deceased, some two hours away.

I got a sweet looking car; air conditioning, classical music, and lots of small chops with drinks and sweets. All the stuff to give one indigestion, flatulance and occassional need for the bathroom, any bathroom. But at that moment I didn’t care and I lived like a saudi prince., without the gold. It was a  Luxury car ride that i planned to enjoy to the fullest. And I was enjoying it for about thirty minutes into the trip when the car decided to have a flat tire. I didn’t think anything of it, infact i welcomed it. The longer we were on the road the longer this experience would last.

The driver got out the car, got out a pair of gloves, which we all joked about, gloves for changing a tyre, in Africa! It was funny and i too had never seen it until then. The only thing that could ruin the amusement was if there was an earthquake that tore up the Ritcher Scale, or judgment day came upon us, but what he said next was equally jaw-dropping. He said he didn’t have a Jack. We were on the highway in the middle of nowhere with little or no phone reception. The only car on the road. And how the heck did he remember to have a glove without a jack?
“What are the gloves for?” I asked hypothetically. The answer was a resounding silence.

So we had to wait there for the next vehicle going our way. I got back in the car, to my treats. A vehicle will turn up soon and if not soon, well there’s plenty to eat and drink. Some thirty minutes, four motorcycles and two trailers later we had to forfiet the luxury car and hang on to the pickup that pulled over without a jack but with enough space at the open air back. Quickly things turned from Saudi Arabia to Sudan. The sun smilled beamed down on us as we went past the country side that would have been better appreciated from the inside of a car. We past a school in about a split second. We weren’t that fast, the school was that small. The sign that read ‘school’ seemed to take a longer time to pass by.  We past by the Rubber tree plantation where America gets most of its rubber. We crossed a bridge over a river called St John. Now that was wierd for I was expecting a name like Gbangajulu or something african like that. Finally we got to our destination and I had to fix my face that the wind had rearranged during the trip. I was just in time to cover the actual burial. And we moved on from there to a hall where the food was more than the air. Everyone had forgotten why they were there as a mad rush for food began. That part I still haven’t figured out cos it was there in surplus and there was no need for the rush. That still didn’t stop the shoving and name-calling. It showed there and then that people actually came for the food.
People were acting deranged but suddenly subtle as it got to their turn.
All that past and our car got there in one piece. I quickly got in like someone who’d been stuck in a lion’s cage and had found an exit.

We had to stop to help some people going our way. Too many people. So now the car was so packed that this guy had his elbow on my crotch. And just as i got comfy enough to doze off then came a bump i could swear wasn’t there before. It was as if i was viewing the universe in all of its colors. The rest of the trip is a blur.

Packaged water is good for you? think again!

I’m no Microbiologist or Chemist. i just happen to know certain things from stuff i’ve read. They could be errors in this post. i doubt that though.

During my time in early secondary school, the sale of water in transparent cellophane bags began. It was widely accepted. The usually chilled, sometimes icy water helped a great deal to quench the thirst of school children and workers alike. i learnt then that a lightbulb came on upon somebody’s head when after selling food to construction workers, water was necessary. The fellow with the lightbulb went home, poured a cup of water in transparent cellophane bags, put them in a freezer. Voila! Chilled, packaged water for the price of One Naira.
In a short time, ‘ice water’, as it was called, went viral. And then people started to put all sorts of water in bags and took out to sell, so long as it was chilled, people bought them. Until it was unbearable. Ice water then came in different tastes and colours.

Enter ‘PURE WATER’:
The cellophane was machine-packed, had a name and other details such as expiry date and contact address printed on its sides. It was called ‘Pure Water’. Though it was relatively expensive, the advent of this new type of packaged water was greeted with standing ovation. Literarily. You had to stand and struggle to get yours otherwise it would have run out before you could get any as it was still very scarce, one company could provide only so much. It was Big Man water, but it slowly phased out the ‘ice water’ as more Pure Water companies opened and many didn’t mind parting with their Five Naira for one sachet because of the name and attractive packaging. And yes, ‘Pure Water’ had a different, ‘refreshing’ taste. It tasted pure. You could even taste the Chlorine and other chemicals as they worked to kill off the germs.

Enter BOTTLED WATER:
This came into public view some years down the line. This was elite water. It separated the boys from the men, so to speak. One had to cough out eighty bucks to buy a single bottle which held only one and half of the volume of sachet ‘pure’ water! An outrageous sum for very little water, many thought. But given our lifestyle of public display of material things, it thrived. It thrived so well that Bottled Water companies sprang up from every nook and cranny of the country. Business was booming. While other manufacturing companies were relocating to nearby countries because of the lack of infrastructure, the water people stayed back and made big money. Since arriving the scene, bottles of different shapes, sizes and colours have filled our markets – and littered out streets and gutters – and more companies yet spring up.

But what do these three types of packaged water have in common? They are all of no good.

Relax, don’t make that face, keep reading.

You should be made aware that the average bottled water isn’t any purer or healthier than our ‘pure water’ or even tap water or even water sourced from a deep well. Note that most bottled water companies drill boreholes thesame way pure water people do. Its also mostly thesame treatment processes that they pass through. Don’t be deceived by the many water companies that print ‘Fresh Mountain water’ or ‘Natural Spring water’ on the bottles. Rarely do they use these sources. i read about a company that gets its water from the icebergs in the Arctic. Could be true, could be false.

In reality, packaged water isn’t as fresh as water from a deep well or some tap water.
In some cases, bottled water is even worse. Storing water in plastic containers over a long period of time on shelves and especially in the sun, has its health implications. Micro-organisms grow faster in the high temperatures. Also, under high temperatures, little amounts of the plastic is dissolved into the water.

i recall my dad coming home one time all those years ago to tell us his boss had been diagnosed with Typhoid. This was surprising because his boss was(and i believe still is) a wealthy man who used to import his water from France. How he got the illness still baffles me. Maybe. He probably had too much plastic.

Moving on…

Ever notice that when you drink many of your bottled or pure water, its often like something is missing or that too much of something has been added? Well, this is cos of the treatment processes carried out to purify the water. Some of them are known in some circles to be harmful. Some such as:

• Reverse Osmosis
This process forces water through an extremely fine membrane to remove dissolved minerals. This process removes all microbes, turbidity, organic and inorganic chemicals, minerals, colour. The purified water passes through the membrane and collects in a storage container. Most of the dissolved minerals in the water cannot pass through the membrane and are flushed away as waste.

The disadvantage
Necessary minerals such as Calcium, Magnesium, Sodium, etc. are also filtered out. What you end up with is just water to quench your thirst with no added value. Your body does need little amounts of these minerals.

• Deionization
This is the process of removing ionic impurities in water. The resulting water is said to have no pH value since there are no ions to measure the pH by.

The disadvantage
There is a fear that because it is too pure it may actually be harmful to humans. Extremely pure water will rob the body off its useful electrolytes or ions.

• Ozonation
Water is disinfected using ozone, which kills most microbes, depending on dosage applied.

The disadvantages
» Ozone isn’t as soluble in water as Chlorine is. A water treatment plant must use complex mixing techniques to successfully disinfect water with ozone, this makes ozone treatment much more complicated than chlorine treatments.

» While ozonation does remove a variety of bacteria and viruses, it can also produce a by-product known as Bromate. i’m sure NAFDAC made everyone aware of Bromate.

» Ozone may not be strong enough to kill all cysts and spores within water when applied in low doses. Also, it doesn’t prevent the re-growth of germs within water like Chlorine would, so there may be a lurking contamination problem.

Its probably best to revert to the first form of water purification we ever knew of. When you boil your water for 15 – 20 minutes, your alright.

Dayum!

The word ‘Dayum’ is a more emphasized version of the word “damn ” when it is used in the same way. You must’ve heard it being used by african american characters in hollywood movies. i recall that my friend, Wole, used to say it back in school and i’d just laugh so hard that i coughed. Picture Chris Talker say it and you’d laugh your head off. Not literarily.

i was watching my favourite channel, SonyMax, when one of my favourite shows came on. Its a collection of crazy videos from around the world. The best piece was of this guy called Big Daym, who while sitting in his car, decided to talk to his camera about how wonderful he thought his burger was. He then posted his seven-minute-long video review of ‘Five Guys’, the name of the popular burger chain, on Youtube. That was in April, 2012.

His video was as entertaining as his meal was satisfying, but he had no idea his video would get a remix from the brilliant artists known as the Gregory Brothers.
The remix of Big Daym’s Five Guys review, also known as “Oh My Dayum,” was on Youtube for one day, when it achieved viral status. The clip has nearly 30,000 likes and more than 423,000 views in the 24 hours it was posted online. It now has over 230,000 likes and 18million views! Dayum!
i just had to share it cos its totally hilarious! And a brilliant work from the Gregory Brothers.

Its something like the ‘My oga at the top video remix’.

The “Oh My Goodness, Oh My Dayum” video is embedded somewhere on this page. That’s if you can find it. Its my first time posting a video so i might’ve done something wrong.
Or you could just type ‘dayum’ on Youtube and get to laugh your head off. Not literarily.

This is just to see if i can post a video. If it turns out that i can, i’d sure be like ‘dayum!’ If i can’t, then the simple ‘damn’ will have to do.

Nigerians and Big Bodies

At the mall the other day, after what seemed like an eternity of walking around doing some actual and virtual shopping, i just sat there to rest my tired little feet. And did some more virtual shopping from that spot. So there i was thinking how on earth i’d make it to the exit without collapsing when these two ladies approached and sat opposite me. One with a cute, chubby baby girl on her laps. i did my usual Mr Bean facials to get a giggle from her, the baby i mean, and yes, it worked. But she quickly got bored and then i too gave up and turned away. i started taking in the beauty of the mall until i found myself eavesdropping. Lady A was telling lady B how cute and healthy her baby had turned out since they last saw each other. Lady B replied with the all to frequent “na God o”. Then Lady A popped the question. No, she didn’t ask her for her hand in marriage. She simply asked with exaggerated casualty, “what are you giving her?”. The response was something i didn’t get but was obviously the name of a foreign baby food product. If i wasn’t sure about the name, at least i was sure it was foreign cos she pronounced it with such shakara, like how bush-girls with fake accents pronounce ‘God’.

Then this chic with a very nice … handbag passed by and divided my attention.

*Clears throat*

I managed to get something about her not breast feeding her child as they began to speak in low tones. “..but i want her to be big”, was the last thing i heard.

What’s with us nigerians and big bodies?
I’ve heard of babies being given large doses of Cod liver Oil. I’ve seen babies being fed processed, high calorie foods. i know of mums who mix raw eggs with the baby’s already prepared food and some who force-feed. All just to have a big-sized baby, not minding the complications that may likely arise.
There’s Diabetes and High Blood Pressure in children these days you know.

People, especially in my country, attribute being big, or chubby or fat with being healthy.
Apparently, this has been transferred to babies too. If your child is smallish or just not big enough you’ll often here questions like ‘why’s your baby small like this? You should go and see the Doctor o’. Just the same way, a thin or slim adult is assumed to be sick or malnourished.

A plus-sized adult is often said to be healthy looking or as they say, ‘enjoying’. If you’re driving a car and you’re small-bodied do not be surprised if people think the car isn’t yours. Sorry but you’re expected to be big because you have money.

Although, a lot of people are beginning to reason differently, this belief is so widespread and accepted that people ingest just about anything to make them fat. Malt and Milk is a popular combination for broke people who want to put on weight and “look good”. People stock kitchen cabinets with high calorie foods, with foods that contain the wrong type of Fat. Foods with high Sodium levels. Even pills for fattening livestock!
So why do we blame relatives in the village when somebody suddenly slumps and dies?