My near-death experience

First of, in Africa, it’s mandatory that up to five people share a taxi (if not chatter) unlike in America or Europe where it’s probably one person per cab as the movies show. The driver usually gives half-a-fvck if they are fat people in there squeezing the small people in. That was the case today with this cab ride to work. See, I got in there first and Paul Simon was singing beautiful in my ears. I should’ve gotten outa there like Flash but I don’t see in the future, neither does Flash. Moments later this fat lady stepped in… more like dropped. Part of her dropped on the right side of my pelvis. I gathered the rage of an ISIS member there and then but her gentle “sorry sir” softened me. I was pretty damn sure my pelvis was facing the other way though. Another brief moment later brought with it another fat lady, she dropped in and I bet the car floor touched the road. That was the least of my problems.
You know how fat people have this way of adjusting and readjusting? Yea, this is what was happening. Both were trying to settle in comfortably but it in fact looked like a torture technique from Guantanmo Bay. I was ready to start divulging secrets i myself did not know I knew about. My biceps were pushing against my chest. I could feel my ribs pressing into my liver. There wasn’t any more space for my heart to beat in, the blood wasn’t flowing and all was a blur. For some weird reason Paul Simon kept singing the same song but there was nothing beautiful about my condition. Knowing the legendary musician and his way with words, he probably knew what I was going through and was either trying to help or making a mockery of me. Either way, i was dying. Then there was a bright light and as I was thinking there’s heaven after all, i realized it was just the door that opened. Still, hallelujah!!! One of them was about to get out. That’s how I survived and no other reason. Now I know I’ll make it through the miracle of… Wait, now I’m just quoting Boys II Men.

That was my near-death experience. Some have theirs during accidents, or Cardiac failures but me, I was just riding in a cab… with fat ladies.

I just realized to some of you guys in the West the term ‘fat’ is derogatory. How sad. Glad I’m not in the West.

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